Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
