I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
