I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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