Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
