I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
