we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
should my penis look like a turkey
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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