I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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