Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
