Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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