"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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