why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
