i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
