Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
