I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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