she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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