in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
