I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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