Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
