I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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