4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
