So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
