If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
