he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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