i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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