Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize