things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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