I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
