I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am one with the molecules
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
