found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
