i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
