my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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