I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
