He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
