Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
