I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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