ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
