I think I died a long time ago.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
