Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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