Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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