You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he shaved USA in his pubs
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
