i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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