The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
