Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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