We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
