I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
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