Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
