Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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