Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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