I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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