My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
